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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Five Best: Getting by on Their Looks (Fellas)

courtesy of

I promised last week that I'd do this, so I'm referring to this list as the "Mimbo Memorial Countdown" (hence Dan Cortese from "Seinfeld" on the right). These are actors who, though may have one or two good marks on their resumes, are essentially just not good performers and keep getting put in movies for their looks alone. I don't figure there is much going on upstairs for any of these guys. This was certainly much more difficult than last week, as I don't have any personal tastes to fall back on. So, thanks to my wife, Sara, Sarah, and Heather, who led me in somewhat the right direction. So, here goes - in chronological order.

Actor Orlando Bloom courtesy of

Orlando Bloom

Worst Offenses: Pirates of the Carribbean (2 & 3), Troy, Elizabethtown
His best films are when he is in an ensemble (Lord of the Rings), and that's because the films are too big for you to even pay attention to him not acting well. Everybody fell in love with Legolas before realizing that there isn't much depth behind anything he does. Even in the only good Pirates he wasn't very convincing. He got outacted by the monkey.

Actor Ashton Kutcher courtesy of

Ashton Kutcher

Worst Offenses: Dude, Where's My Car?, My Boss's Daughter, The Guardian
This one's not a hard sell. Mr. Demi Moore has never seemed like he's had much of a clue on camera, from "That 70's Show" on. It sure is fun watching him try something dramatic though (The Guardian, Butterfly Effect). It's like asking a six year old to do your taxes for you. He just stares unkowingly forward and hopes that his superficial appeal will save him again. No dice, Kelso.

Actor Matthew McConaughey courtesy of

Matthew McConaughey

Worst Offenses: The Wedding Planner, Failure to Launch, Two for the Money
He's been in some very good films (Dazed and Confused, A Time to Kill), but that's when he is roped in and controlled, based around a group of very solid performers. When he's the lead without a developed supporting cast, it all goes down the toilet. Not a bad deal though - just keep starring in romantic comedies against attractive ladies and you don't have to have any substance to your performance. And you get to make out with Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez, etc.

Actor Keanu Reeves courtesy of

Keanu Reeves

Worst Offenses: Sweet November, A Walk in the Clouds, The Day the Earth Stood Still
Let's be honest - the only reason he was perfect as Neo in The Matrix is because we aren't sure he isn't a robot. And it's the same in every movie. He's been in some semi-worthwhile blockbusters and some pretty fun films, but in the end it's like watching an action figure with a pull string. He just delivers the words, with nothing behind them. That being said, Speed was a damn good time.

Actor Paul Walker courtesy of

Paul Walker

Worst Offenses: Meet the Deedles, She's All That, Eight Below
In the same way Reeves matched up well with The Matrix, Walker's only legitimate work on-screen in Pleasantville was perfect because he was supposed to be a 1950's, sub-par television actor. But, he found his niche. All he needs to do is just keep making movies with Vin Diesel about cars and he'll be fine financially. But, it's a sad day when he gets outacted that badly everytime by the man who was the star of XXX and The Pacifier.

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